Don't You Know?
by AJeff
Summary: My first Meredith fic...her views on Derek. Decided to do an ongoing story instead of a one shot thing I had originally planned.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy

I never meant to have these thoughts and feelings for him. It just happened. I never imagined I would actually fall in love with someone like him. Married. My god, he's married! I feel the heartache and pain seeing him. Each night I go home alone and crawl into bed laying next to nothing. I can actually visual Derek and Addison in bed with their arms around each other. And all I want to do is hide under a table and reminisce the feel of his arms around me. I am truly, madly in love with him.

I should have stopped this as soon as I found out who he was, the new attending physician. My boss! What the hell did I get myself into? I'm the talk of Seattle Grace. I feel their eyes on me. They feel sorry for me. I can read their faces, but then, they can read my heart. The trouble with love is, it can tear you up inside.

"Don't you know? Don't you know how much I hate myself for loving you? Don't you know it hurts not to be able to hold you in my arms and kiss you and tell you how much I love you? Don't you know?"

I am not, I repeat, I am not the type of person who would take another woman's husband away from her. But, then of course, I have never fallen in love with another woman's husband, until now.

"Don't you know that I am loving you more each day?"

Call me anytime, day or night, if you need me, if you need to talk, I'd like to tell him. What I really mean to say is "I miss you and I'm in love with you."

I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I'd give up eternity to spend a lifetime with him. Damn you, Dr. Derek Shepherd! I NEED YOU! I WANT YOU! I LOVE YOU!

"Don't you know? Don't you know that by now?"

One day he'll be back. "I know. I know. I love you, too." He'll say. Well, maybe someday, in time. And I'll wait patiently.

The End


	2. Chapter 2

If my mother knew I was in love with a married man, she'd be devastated. Worse yet, to someone I worked for, it would just kill her.

"Where do you get this from," she definitely would ask. She did not raise me to be a mistress, the other woman. Or is this some sort of a hereditary trait? As much as I love her, I'm just glad she's not in her right mind at this very moment. I can't stop my heart from loving him. I have no control over that. Hey, I'm a surgeon. But, it's not like I can rip my heart out and replace it with a cold-hearted one, someone who has no feelings at all or no remorse of my inner conscience.

If I was Addison, I just don't know if I could be like her to hold my head up high knowing my husband was in love with someone else. I won't be settled upon. I'd want to come first in his life.

Dr. Derek Shepherd! The hell with him! He came into my life suddenly and took me by surprise. I never believed I could be so happy, so in love with someone as I was with him. Everything was just perfect. I had the perfect life! The perfect job! And most of all, he was the...PERFECT MAN!

But, he tore that away from me when she came into the picture. When she approached us that very first day I set my eyes on her, for a split second I had actually thought Addison, with her long luscious red hair would be Derek's beautiful sister. I sure was wrong! I wondered if she hadn't appeared, how long would it have taken him to tell me about "HER"? He could have prepared me for it.

"Look, honey, I...wait a minute...I love you...but, there's one teeny weeny bit of a problem I need to clarify to you. I...well...you see, I...have a ...WIFE!"

Just exactly how would he have come about in telling me. Well, there's nothing I can do about it now. He chose her, not me.

How do you move on with your life when the person you're trying to move away from is around you everyday...in the cafeteria, in surgery, around the corner and down the hall. Even in my dreams, I'm never free of him.

"Pick me. Choose me. Love me."


	3. Chapter 3

We both looked like idiots smiling to each other. Wish he'd stop looking at me with those eyes of his. Such beautiful eyes. It just makes me melt all over inside. I told him I was over him. But...I'm not. I never was. He has no right smiling at me like that. But, who am I fooling. I love it when he does that. I love the attention, although I keep it to myself. I'm still in love with him as I have been since the very beginning.

What the hell was he doing visiting my mother? What the hell is he trying to do? All I need is for him to tell her about us. That would really go over with her. That is, if she even recalls anything.

I did remind him that he has a wife waiting for him at home. A wife who doesn't know where he is at times. I sometimes wonder how it would feel being married to him. Suppose he had met me first and everything was in a reversed situation. I would be his wife...and...and Addison was the young intern who he supposedly falls in love with. What would my reactions be towards her?

God, I hate myself for loving him. I know it's wrong. Isn't it?


	4. Chapter 4

As I watched my patient die, I couldn't help but think of my mother. I couldn't bear the thought of losing her. With things going on in my life, I'm surprised I didn't break down any sooner. I needed to be alone, but there he was as he followed me. I never wanted him to see me cry. I was so terribly upset and I had begun to hyperventilate. He comforted me...gosh, that voice of his. He spoke to me in such a manner that made me forget all the hurt I've felt these last few months. The pain I've suffered seemed to have diminished at that very moment. Just for a moment.

I never thought I'd need him in my life, but, I guess I was wrong. I laid my head against his shoulder. Somehow without realizing it, I felt my hand in his. My god, a few seconds more, we would have kissed. I would have let him. And if he had, I would not have been able to stop myself. I would not have had any self control.

I told myself I was over him, but I lied.


End file.
